First, I'd like to talk about how I know what I'm bringing upon myself by writing this. I feel that half of the pain of depression is the depression itself; the other half is dealing with the people around you. You can't simply tell people that you're depressed. Otherwise, you just get an empty lecture that doesn't really mean anything to you about optimism, happiness, etc. In reality, you can't really stop depression. It's an all-consuming void, sometimes altering your logic in the case where I seem to want to cause even more harm to myself. At least, this is my case. I know that everyone’s just going to tell me to stop harming myself like this as if you can just flip a switch and end it. Heh… It’s really that easy, isn’t it? That’s why I don’t let anyone know or try to help me. It’s just as Hyperbole and a Half describes it- It’s like I’ve got a pair of dead fish, but everyone ignores that fact and tries to go find them or something. So please, don’t talk to me about this. I know what you’re going to try to say, and I honestly am not really interested.
So, what will this do to me in the end? Depression can have some side effects on people, some becoming really serious. I might be close to my stage, but circumstances prevent the situation from becoming that kind of serious. Because of this, it’s kinda driven me to a bit of an insanity, separate from the one I already have. It’s also caused me to become kinda self-aware about it, and I kinda make fun of myself for it. Of course, many of the people who know me are probably wondering how I can be depressed when I seem quite upbeat much of the time. In reality, I just get distracted easily. Nowadays, it’s a reason I play video games, and it only dips down when my emotions get low. Of course, I remember how my Mom thought that my thoughts in the 5th grade (don’t ask) were simply because I did bad in a class. If that happens once or twice, it’s a ploy for attention. But usually ploys for attention stop when people realize it isn’t giving them attention. But why do I want attention? I’m the kind of person who wishes that people forget his existence over the summer. Also, as I mentioned before, I don’t like the kind of attention this gives me. But, the most important question that should be asked is what will happen to me if this continues to accumulate. Depression usually gets stronger and stronger over time. Very little can change it. Eventually, it will consume me. So what happens then? I have a vague guess, but it’s more or less a wild one with very little evidence. Therefore, I cannot accept it as the answer. Also, it could cause everyone to panic, and if you remember the above paragraph… But how long do I have? I dunno, to be honest. It could end after 2 or 3 more years, as a rough estimate. If I’m still alive after that, then who knows? It’s probably going to have reached a point where it’s unable to progress. I’m just depressed. How am I supposed to know what it’s going to do to me in the future? Especially because we’re talking about the future- For all I know, that one earthquake that everyone keeps hyping up will kill us all before anything happens. (I’m still tired how we have to be reminded every so often that we and everyone we love could all possibly die tomorrow if we’re lucky)
Seeing how I’ve probably needlessly worried everyone with this, I figure I should stop now. Anyone who knows me in real life, we don’t need to talk about this. Please. Because I know that people will want to do the exact opposite of what I want. (Again, see the first paragraph that I keep pointing you to) This was simply a light-hearted self-rant. This is not a warning of things to come or anything. I’ve felt like this for months, probably years now, and I can cope with it. Even if coping with it is thinking up negative scenarios while I’ve got nothing to do. Just please don’t worry about it. I’m just writing about this to share how some of us feel about it, and how I see many of the lectures I receive.
Comments section closed so I don't get violations of paragraph no. 1.
