Debate

I don't like debate. So, why am I in it? I'm stuck in a position where I don't want to be with no hope of escape. Everyone thinks I can be a debater. Everyone says I can be a debater. Everyone wants me to be a debater.

So, I'm a debater.

Debate is slowly killing me. I'm unable to keep up with whatever happens in the room, either in practice or the meet. I'm called upon, I don't know what to answer. I know nothing about debate. And I will always know nothing about debate. But every time I pull something amazing off, people think that's just typical for me. They expect me to do well. They expect me to do more than I am capable of, with no thoughts to my sanity.

Because, according to everyone, I'm beyond human capability.

So yeah, I'm slightly more logical then the average freshman. So yeah, I'm diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. So yeah, I look like I'm doing well. So yeah, maybe I am doing well. But you know what?

Give me a break, people. I'm a human. Humans feel pain. I feel pain. And it is because of you people that I'm in pain now.

After my first debate in the Ashland meet, my sanity went on a downward decline. As we drove back to the motel, my mind kept flashing back to the event. I still felt my presence in the debate, I still felt like I had to answer the question fast, I still felt like I had too little prep time, I still felt like I had no idea what I was doing...

It didn't go away.

Even today, when something reminds me of the resolution (Which was on GMOs, so that was an easy memory to bring up), my mind flashes back to the debate. All three rounds we did, including the round which we won.

It hurts.

I think back to everything that went wrong, it feels like a nightmare, I can't wake up until my mind is occupied on something else.

Then I forget.

The memory fades back into my mind, like a carnivorous eel pulling back into its hole for its next victim.

But I can never forget.

It always comes back. It will always come back. And now... I have to do it again.

I have, as of this writing, 2-3 weeks until winter break. Then, the week break ends, is another tournament. I'm debating that tournament. I have a few weeks to ready my cases, then I work my entire "break" preparing my contentions, and memorizing the expos which I still haven't memorized. Then after the next tournament, I have only a short amount of time until the next meet. Most likely, this will repeat for the rest of the year. I can have no breaks throughout the year, I have to get it all done.

I missed a week of school the first month, thanks to a wedding. Coincidentally, that was the same days that most of my classes received important assignments or text. I was failing many of my classes. I worked through an entire month, sacrificing my life to get it all done. Every time I completed an assignment, another one popped up. I couldn't get it done fast enough.

I blame forensics.

That seems mean on it's own, so here's some empirical evidence: When I take the bus home, I get home at 4:30. Forensics practice ends at 5:00. That's half an hour I could be using on classwork. But that's not all. I also have to spend days preparing for the next tournament. I need to ready my expos boards, I need to memorize said expos, I need to research my debate topic, I need contentions, statements, pre-flows, evidence, I NEED TO GET IT ALL DONE.

I need to get it all done.

If I fail, everyone will be disappointed in me. They know that I won't fail. They see me as capable enough to avoid failure. I can't fail.

So, what would happen if I did fail?

In 5th grade, I believed that everyone hated me. Everyone told me I was wrong. I was crazy. It was impossible for everyone hate me. So now, after 4 years, my thinking has evolved it.

Everyone will hate me.

Humanity's main emotion is hate. No other creature outside the human race can feel hate. We hate each other. We start wars. We start flame wars on the internet. But, you say, people can also love each other. And yet, most married couples end up in divorce. As I say, what goes up, must come down. And the further up you are, the further gravity will pull you. The further gravity pulls you, the more damage you receive.

So I can't stop. Everyone will hate me if I do.

Debate, combined with my inner beliefs and sporadic memory, is slowly killing me. And no one is listening. They keep saying "You're awesome!" "You're so smart and clever!" "You're perfect for debate!" "Oh yeah, you'll rock debate!" "Oh yeah, you are rocking debate!" They want me to be what I can't. They believe I can be what I can't. And I've already proven that I can be what I can't. I'm slowly killing myself from the inside.

No one listens to a word I say. All they notice are the accomplishments.

I'm stuck in here, slowly decaying away.

They all say that I'm crazy.

And I am crazy.

But this pain...

This pain...



This pain is real.

Listen to me.

Help.